First order of business: I had a piece published in Thank You Very Much last week and it is about my relationship with pop stars and performance, a complicated feeling that both eats at me and feeds me. It goes something like this:
It’s just not fair. My eyes well with tears, my heart aches, it actually stings. I turn into a pouty baby whenever a pop star hits the stage. And then I remember my song is on and I am so fortunate to be here and I paid money for this. Right. Acknowledge the feeling, shake it off, enjoy the show. I’ve spent my whole life dreaming of being a pop star.
A lifelong fascination with Artistry, my mature way of saying celebrity and pop culture, is quintessential to who I am. It would be cool to say I am unmoored by “the media” and its exports but that would be a lie. I grew up on One Direction stan twitter and was molded brick by brick by every song, movie, and TV show that has moved me. Pop stardom is not a childhood dream that fades away like an astronaut or firefighter. The desire remains, unflinching in the face of reality. My occupation on dating apps always has and always will be: Pop Star. And no, I don’t have any musical ability (that I know of).
What I seek, what I envy, is pure expression…
You can read on right here if you’d like. Shoutout Cait for having me and
for pointing me her way <31Happy, happy summer, everyone. I am feeling all powerful and think it’s time to let you know that, at long last, I am so back. It was only a matter of time. We have been on a streak of hot and glorious days in New York City and it hits like crack. The summering is starting and that’s when plans pop out of the blue, you wear something scandalous, sleep late on a weeknight, and realize you haven’t cooked at home in days but have had a lot of wine. At work you are exhausted and at night you question everything. The summering usually comes with a side of the humbling, but it’s all part of the fun.
Tuesday was an especially marvelous day, it was 100 degrees and Zohran Mamdani swept up the democratic nomination for mayor with steez. A truly hopeful moment for these times. What a treat. I voted of course but this was also my birthday wish, which I think really sealed the deal. You’re welcome.
I turned 24 on the 24th and it was a 24 hour day as per usual but it felt extra special. I wore my new leopard print bikini with an easy breezy brown dress I picked up in Stockholm and felt very much like myself. My golden birthday was full of love and swimming and sun-fueled delirium. The water at Jones Beach was full of these strange, crabby creatures and I let the currents have their way with me. As a Cancer, I had no choice but to surrender to the ocean’s push and pull. I know a message when I see one and it really felt like an invisible dialogue was happening between us. Something about standing your ground, maybe about getting tossed around but enjoying the ride, or perhaps how life’s no fun through clear waters. It’s in there somewhere.
Twenty-three had a bad, bad, very bad first half and swung around entirely in the second half. Hallelujah. Recently, I revisited the birthday post I made last year. I was deep in the guilt and shame trenches but optimistic still, forcing a smile through bloody teeth. Poor girl. Clawed my way through by embracing solitude and my perfect friends, trying new things while also leaving much needed space for tears and processing. You have to feel it to get past it. This I know for sure.
I did my chores and now I get to play. Lately, I have been feeling free. I keep having these moments where I feel such immense gratitude, I find it all so beautiful, so delicate, so I cry. That’s when I know I am truly happy. On Saturday, I spent eight hours walking around downtown. I was passing through Washington Square Park when I saw one woman taking a photo of another, a stranger, with such intentionality that I just burst into tears. We are all so lucky. I can’t begin to explain it.
There are also the moments where I think to myself, “Girl…what the hell are you doing?” I quickly counter with, “Living my life, bitch.” It’s a dance. I am indulging as promised, some depravity over here some ice cream over there. Makes me want to shimmy. Seeking out the experiences I have been craving has been very empowering if I’m honest. So empowering, in fact, that I have started to regularly wear red lipstick. What came first, the empowerment or the lipstick? Either way, there is no turning back now. I’ve found the remedy for my resting sad face and it’s thinking about sex and world domination, now I can walk through life with a smirk. If you only knew. So long as we move in moderation everything is simply a discovery or a funny story. Don’t knock it till you try it and all that. While we’re at it, if you are an adult who still doesn’t “like fish” revisit that now because you are childish and mistaken.
We don’t have to take anything too seriously. It’s June.
Wishing you a summer full of whimsy and truth. I can’t believe anyone reads what I say. Thank you I love you I love you I love you. Talk soon.
It honestly feels so awesome to be able to say things like this. Yay!
I smile reading everything you write
LOVE